Homophobes Beware!
by pilot-anubis
Summary: A oneshot about a slayer in a smalltown on the eastcoast set in an alternate universe where the the Buffy gang don't exist...very good and funny


Homophobes Beware!  
  
(The title has nothing to do with the story whatsoever. Maybe it does, I don't know. If you see a connection, good for you. I'm really wired after two cups of coffee, so bear with me!)  
  
Another note: This is a non-chapter story, or one-shot, whatever you wanna call it. This was a assignment for creative writing and I got an A+ on it! So I'm excited about posting it. Enjoy!  
  
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Neferti dusted herself off and gathered her stuff. It had been at least two years since the traumatic attack on the Earth and she still had 4 more continents to go. North America was cleared and many warding spells were cast to cover the entire landmass, covering every nook and cranny. No evil would be able to get in without burning themselves to death.  
Slung over her shoulder was all she had left in the world. Spells, books, goose-down sleeping-bag, water bottles, and toiletries.  
  
Neferti Sakuraba, 22 years old, one of the very few that survived the first attack when the vampires invaded the world of the humans. She, her mother and Van (Neferti's fiancée) were just leaving a bridal shop at sunset when the massacre began. Adrienne, a humble town by anyone's standards, was one of the first to be attacked. And right in front of her, her mother and fiancée were slaughtered and were left on the sidewalk, drained of their blood seconds later. It was all Neferti could do to keep herself from screaming in horror. Leaving their bodies, Neferti jumped into her car and rushed home. Hurrying inside and slamming the door behind her, Neferti frantically scavenged for the trunk in the attic.  
  
The trunk was her inheritance from her great-grandfather Rick. It contained ancient books of spells and weapons. At first she was annoyed that she inherited weird antiques out of his will, but, Rick lived long enough to tell her of her secret purpose and destiny. She wasn't to tell another soul as long as she lived before passing it on to the next in line, if she shouldn't complete her mission. Ripping open her canvas bag, Neferti chucked everything that was in the trunk, into her bag and ran downstairs to grab her savings from the freezer in the kitchen and hurried to the car muttering a barrier spell to cast on her house.  
  
Pulling out of the driveway, Neferti watched several vampires try to get in without success. She saw a lot of people collecting their important belongings and packing up all their cars and fleeing. Although some of these people weren't as fortunate to escape in time. Getting on the highway, she sped passed accidents and ran over already dead bodies. Hours went by in a blur and before she even realized what was happening, she had just staked a vampire outside a gas station in Virginia. Blowing a clump of hair out of her face, Neferti wiped the sweat from her brow, put a non- invitation spell on the property, got into her car and left.  
  
"Two years ago today." She said to herself as she placed flowers on the graves of her family and fiancée. No vampires were out during the day because sunlight hurt their eyes even if they were under the shade of a tree or building. Humans quickly adjusted their businesses and lives with barrier spells and sunlight to keep them safe. If any human were to go out past sunset, they never returned.  
  
Once in a while, someone would get lucky and were able to make it back into the safety of their homes. Although they were doing this routine out of necessity, the new routine was actually a smart one. One company, Neferti saved from slaughter, started the chain reaction of closing business at 4:30 pm, giving everyone a chance to get home. Schools didn't need to change their schedules much, they only canceled every after-school activity and/or sport indefinitely. Yes, Neferti had to give them credit for taking extra safety precautions.  
  
The usual drug gangs now joined the fight to kill off the vampires. Criminals that specialized in dirty street fighting were released, armed with wooden stakes and large silver crosses into the night and were expected back at jail by dawn. This new strategy wasn't ever questioned due to the will to live and survive. All across the Americas, the vampires were being reduced to a countable number. All of that happened in a span of 24 months. It was starting to be normal and cheery again despite the lack of night life and restrictions.  
  
But, Neferti knew this new world wouldn't last long. She had a bad feeling that she would be meeting with the boss vampire in a matter of days, maybe hours. It didn't matter, but it would be soon. And late one night, she staked the messenger after confirming a time and place. Washington D.C. , wall memorial at 10 pm on that Friday. She had two days to get down there. Neferti trudged back to her car and began her trip from Richmond VA, to D.C.  
  
Ebra, aged 1000 yrs, oldest and master of all vampires, impatiently tapped his foot as he leaned against the memorial. The girl was late. The vamps that surrounded him twitched. One of them was going to take the blunt of his annoyance. Ebra wore dainty 18th century satin blue breeches, with a matching waist-coat and top-coat with a snowy-white shirt beneath. Covering his legs and feet from the knee down, were silk stockings and shiny black pumps. He looked rather dainty for a 1000-yr-old vampire. Letting out an empty-of-breath sigh of aggravation, Ebra cried out, "Is it so much to ask for people to be on time? I don't ask for much, do I? Do I?" His groupies desperately denied that he ever asked for too much.  
  
"That has to be the most dainty outfit I've ever seen. Who's your tailor?" a sneering voice said.  
  
"Ah, so you're finally here. I do so hate lateness." Ebra drawled, his voice dripping with annoyance.  
  
"I know. I was being deliberately late just for you. That's how much I love you, Ebra." Neferti gibed. If the vamp were human, she could've sworn seeing a vein pop out of his forehead. "Before you go into gay-mode, tell me what you wanted to see me for."  
  
"Alright. I would like to do me a favor and take out this particular mistake named Jim. He's disappointed me and is hiding in a human's house a block from here." He explained.  
  
"What for? Did he turn over to the light side? Or did he just not do what you told him to do?" Neferti inquired.  
  
"He's turned to the human side and doesn't come out of the house which is barricaded by one of you stupid 'Anti-Vampire' spells, so I can't get in to do it myself." He whined. Neferti's eye twitched.  
  
"If I do this, I get to kill all of your groupies and then I'll take out Jim-Jimmy just because you actually look yummy in that outfit." Neferti offered. Ebra's dark eyes brightened a shade at the mention pf his good looks and the fact that he would no more groupies.  
  
"Thank you very much, Neffie!" Neferti twitched again at the annoying 'Neffie' pet name. "And maybe next time, I'll swing to the straight side of the sexuality pendulum for you."  
  
"I can't wait." She said as she staked each groupie. "You know, I would have more fun with you if would stop disappearing on me and making me wait for months at a time."  
  
But Ebra was gone. "Figures," she muttered as she made her way to the human's home that boarded a vampire. Ebra and Beferti met a few days after the invasion. In a righteous rage, Neferti fought him hoping to kill him for good measure. But he evaded her with taunts about her hair and her clothes until she finally composed herself and asked, "Are you gay?" Ebra haughtily hmphed at the question and they began to make conversation as if they were friends. But they had their moments where Neferti actually attempted to kill him, but after that it seemed futile to even try anymore. So that was their story.  
  
It wasn't hard to find Jim-Jimmy. In fact, he was making supper for his host when Neferti came barging in. Eying the apron on Jim, she merely blinked.  
  
"So, Ebra sent you to kill me, I suppose?" Jim predicted. She nodded.  
  
"I'll make you a deal. If you agree to drink pig's blood and stay low, I won't tell Ebra that I didn't kill you." She suggested. Offering her hand for a shake, Jim took it gratefully and went back to cooking.  
  
Back on the street, Neferti ran into a peeved Ebra.  
  
"You didn't dust him." He accused. She nodded.  
  
"I have him on probation. If he messes up, he's dust." She assured. He still looked peeved. "Oh, for cripes' sake, Ebbie, don't get your panties in a twist!" she exasperated. He winced at the nickname.  
  
"You call me Neffie, I call you Ebbie. Only fair." She childishly added. He smiled his very rare smile and said, "See you around, Neffie." And disappeared.  
  
Neferti smiled and continued walking down the empty street, staking vamps here and there. No doubt this would continue for years but Neferti didn't mind. Especially with a bisexual master vampire hanging around to keep her entertained. Yep, she was going to have fun for many years to come.  
  
EL FIN 


End file.
